Northfield Library Going Out of Business

library for saleThe combination of rising expenses and declining readership has led the Northfield Library to take a dramatic step. Beginning today, the library will begin auctioning off its superfluous stock of books and magazines to raise capital for a new organizational venture.

In the past three years, the number of people using the facility has dropped from the low dozens to single digits and on one recent weekend the only visitor was a Carleton College student looking to meet a girl he had met on Facebook. The building has become a place where old-fashioned people pick up their tax forms or to wait for a quick rain squall to pass.

The staff, however, are excited about the future. Just as Andrew Carnegie, who provided the original funding for the library, sold his steel mills and donated the proceeds to libraries across the country, Northfield librarians are looking forward to reinvesting the proceeds from the book sale into their new operation.

"We figure the books here are worth hundreds, if not thousands of dollars. We can use that money to buy even more DVDs and CDs from Target," Deb Oakes, a Northfield High School student and check-in girl, reports. "It's not like kids are reading anything, anyway. This way they can get cool movies that have nothing to do with books and everything to do with heroin, like Trainspotting and Requiem for a Dream."

"We're excited to compete with Mr. Movies and Video Update," says Page Nation, formerly head librarian and now chief movie title acquisition specialist. "Anybody can go to a strip mall and get a movie, but we offer a really special space to browse." Besides, Nation notes, the library staff have already read all the books and are starting to get bored.

When asked about the possible pressures presented by Netflix or other online content providers, Nation looked slightly perplexed. "There's nothing about those in any of our books," she said.

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.


Nice one, Jeff... particularly fond of the line "We figure the books here are worth hundreds, if not thousands of dollars."

- Brendon Etter
A Play A Day & Lysteria

No More FREAKIN' Otters


You promised: "No more otters, Brendon."

"Never again?"


Now, what do I see? Two freakin' otters! At the top of the page, no less!

Alright, yes... the hats are too cute, but isn't that the problem in the first place?

They are taking over!!! Are you, like, NOT LISTENING?!?!?!?!

They lure you in with their adorability, while slowly nibbling away at the pillars of our great nation's core freedoms!

Again, and for the last time: CEASE AND DESIST in you traitorous patronage of these darling demons of destruction and dissemblage!

- Brendon Etter
A Play A Day & Lysteria

I love otters

I love otters... not so much a fan of their cousin - The Etter....


(I'm an otter and an Etter fan. Both are equally entertaining.)